dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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