I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
