dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
