I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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