Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
