mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
