This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
