we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
