I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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