Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
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