found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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