I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
