i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
