Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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