I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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