Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
