Your mouth is God's brothel.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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