Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
