I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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