Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
