Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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