im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
