Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
