I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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