After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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