yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
