Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
