Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
