mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
