im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
