I'm passing your future prison.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
