PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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