lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
