how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
