I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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