when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
