Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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