WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
