porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
