On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
