I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
