he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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