I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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