Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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