Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
