So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
