don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
