Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
