I love black thongs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
