I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
