He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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