yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
