The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
