Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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