he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
